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apc_fien_420

[ website | ..........my sadistic self............. ]
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[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

and i write again [21 Sep 2006|09:13pm]
[ mood | my heart is broken ]

i write again here cuz i know NO ONE reads this shit...i can think to myself.
i lost jimmy today..and its almost numb at this time cuz its so constant...i should of known this relationship was NOT ment to be foreve.r....he is not ready for the comintment i am ready for......he wants a girlfriend..i wnt a fuckin fiancee..someone i know is real forever..he just cant apriciate that and it hurts...i just want someone i know i can be with...and be comfortable with....not with fears of losing them.....witch i have so much with him...i just think he is not ment to be for me....
i want someone i can chill with and know they love me inside and out....someone who is true to me and only me....someone who wont play me...and apriciates how much i care for them.....no guys actually do...and it hurts...i just want that one person...who i can love unconditionlally and that feeling come back....i alwasy thought i had it with him.it was all lies..i had nothing but someone i thought who cared..someone who i thought truely loved me....but realy was just there for the ride..i feel he never cared for me as much as i wished he did......i dont think it was as deep of love....as deep of comintment i was givin to him......and it kills me inside tonight....engulfed with tears knowing what i thought was all perfect was just a load of fuckin lies and bull shit.....if he loved me he would not want to be alone...he would just wnat to be with me..and only me....not with friends....or other girls....and i nkow he will NEVER find a girl who loves him the way i do...as much as i doo...i have commmited my life to him.....my everything my soul...my time...my heart....to his life..i lived for him.....what fuckin guy would NOT want a girl to do that for them...a fuckin idoit is who..a guy who doesnt know what he has in front of him....and thinks there is so much better...i hope he finds his better chick....and he treats him just great...cuz if anyone could love him more than i could....they deserve him........i gave him my heart....he gave me back a pile of stinkin shit...great trade...
my life is over now..
my heart is gone now..
5 days and it would of been 2 years...
this is what i get for counting down days...
.....counted down the days tillthe tool show.got cancelled....
in my head secretly counted down the days until us 2 years..he left me...so much for optomistic thoughts.......
never count down for a day ......it only means that day will never arrive...
and on i go into my own lonly abiss......my heart....still belongs to him...my soul....murdered...a faint resembllesnss of whom i once was....i willl miss my life..my soul...and my heart....mot of all....in 5 days... my heart will miss him the most...
jut 5 days....it would of been all perfect...
~no more words...just tears~
ashley

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rock [06 Nov 2005|11:55pm]
[ mood | crunkifyed ]

is deader than dead

uhg this thingy lil lj world has died i swear man.....
its all dull and myspace has takend over then whorelive enviroment of the internt*shrugs*

been kickin it with my jimmy <3....and gettin all stoned got him high it was so hot...i <3 my lif3 now i want to do a dance......

gettin allll messeded up lately..
went to a kick ass amuzin halloween party with him were his lil friend was the d j and got DRUNK off a jellow shots wit everclear...beat the crap outta myself wit glow sticks tryin to do a rave dance to some song what was liek blow my wistle...it was weird fun shit.....
last night went to the lame ass breakin bengamis show and 10 yrs rocked mysox..*<3*....they were kcik ass the rest was kinda lame but i was soooooooo wasted it alll seemd pretty fuckin goood man........got drunk off my ass....and saw fuckin managers from work there..i was like yeah im off to get drunk now..told that to one of my bosses..fun shit but iw as stoned/drunk already......fuckkk it...newhgo im out
no more lj for me for a lil while again...
get a life biatches <3
ashley

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[04 Nov 2005|12:46am]
soo much fun recently
been all partay style with my love lately
gettin to go after work and jump into his arms is awsome..and makesthe day liek a millllion times better...
omfg
i missed all of this
and fuckin thank god it is all back...for i know i will never throw away this again....
its ment to be
its all real....and i think he IS the onle i willl spend forever and a day with for real.....he makes me soo fuckin happy...i have been sooo much soberere and its liek awsome no furstration just like ahhhhhh being in his arms after a stressfull day makes the world go better
i love you !
i love life!
everything is perfect again *le sigH*
<3
ahsley
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wow [28 Oct 2005|01:37pm]
well aitn writin in this bitch for a while now..and so much has chancged...on GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD levels

yes..
it happend
the one hting
that i thought would NEVER EVER happen...
im going saterday to his party
haloween we will be 2gether again..
xmas we will be 2gether
my birthday...new years...eveyrthing...its normal NORMAL NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yes
me
and
jimmy
its like.........a fuckin second chance on life and everything and liek omfg wow omg....i <3 my life again..and i <3 him forever..i know this time i wont EVER fuck up again..and make this shit go right..cuz without him...shit is like sooo wrong....and now everything is like*sigh* awsome
went over to his place the other night....actualy was able to hug him kiss him be like i love you.and him say it back.he calls me to say good night again..and saterday night..i get to crash with him..in his arms..were i have FIEND to be for OVER 1/2 a year now...

thank fuckin god.....alll these tears were worth something....
alll these horrid feelings had meaning...and its like.......*click* i fuckin love him....and he loves me...NICE...
im out guna crash no work today..so i neeeeed some sleep man...been workin to much bleh.
im out
and im <3
<3
ashley
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the decision.... [03 Oct 2005|09:19pm]

those who actualy read this thingy will be aloud....those who i choose not to...good by mutha fuckas....

 

byby

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my responce to you jimmy ....too long for a commment.. [01 Sep 2005|04:56pm]
you know jimmy i dont know what to say anymore jesus christ im sorry it hurts me every time i turn around your there your not......u didnt have to say it directly it just seemed like you wanted it back calling me out of no were u and erica broken up...and now u want to say this was a game that eventually u would get back with me...in teh end right...after i sat here...and fuckin cried u honestly thought me and you were just going to be friends for all this time..and at YOUR convienence we would get back together cuz i would be sittin there waiting...i know you try to make it look like that you wanted to chill and take shit slow cuz of school but in my eyes i see something so much difffrent when i think of you i cant even think of the jimmy i once loved i think of the guy that i spilled my heart to..and slamed the door in my face...wouldnt give me a hug wouldnt even listen just said get out of my life i dont want you back..i dont think of that loving person you were anymore....im not tryin to be a bitch jimmy i dont play that way .....im pissed off hurt and tryin to move on how many times do i have to say this before you realize..you cant exept someone to go through a total emotinal blow and be compleatly fine when confronted by the person who has put them through hell...and im not tryin to play some oh poor me games i KNOW i hurt you jimmy i was being stoopid inmature and NOT wantin to see what was right in front of me.......and u know i very naevily thought when i snaped and realize what i did..u were going to be there for me..to say im sorry to.....and to fix this..but you moved on..and you told me no...u just cussed me out said i was a fuckin bitch all the time..say u hoped i would DIE FROM A DESEASE YOU FUCKIN WHORE...exact words takin out of your journal..now before you go jumping all over me for words i say when im fuckin pissed off and hurt why dont u look at ur self dear..and look at the shit u said to me.......the fuckin diffrence was i was beggin for you back..and u were sayin this shit.....thast when it hurts....ur just there..not wantin me back...going to school u should be uneffected by those words jimmy ...u said it urself so many times u dont love me anymore u dont want me in your life..u told me that on the phone several times........why does it bother u jimmy..why the fuck does my words even hurt you....you dont care jimmy....or at least the vibes you give off show that.....if you wanted me to be nice..and not be liek fuck jimmy why dont u take 5 seconds and try to re asses this shit..and look at it in another light..raelize im hurt right now..ur NOT the only one...but i know ur fuckin ass doesnt cry every morning wakin up without me..ur fuckin ass doesnt fall asleep fienin i was next to you....thast the fuckin difffrence..cuz if it was that way we would be 2gether..but u just want this game...i KNOW u dont want this back....u cant..or u would be here..ive invited you..told u my heart is open to you i love you...and u turn ur back on it...quit leaving lil messeges sayin this shit..its just playin with my mind jimmy......sayin that "CONGRADFUCKYOULATIONS YOU JUST RUINED IT AGAIN....AND I DONT MEAN AS FRIENDS FUCK YOU CONGRAD ,DIE IN HELL".........wtf....ok ...wtf did i ruin jimmy.....cuz if i ruined something in the workings i dont want it..if you were sittin there and listening to me cry and freak out hte LEAST you could of done is be like hey lets hang out sometime its ok...or at least say its ok instead of tryin to talk over me.........i didnt ruin anything jimmy ur just sayin that shit now to FUCK with me more im on to ur game...and im through with it....u dont want anything more from me execpt someone to have around knowing they hold on to ur every fuckin word...knowin there is someone out there that falls asleep wishing they were next to you every night..and its sick..and u have to realize eventualy a person will give up...and eventualy there will be someone next to me every morning that really cares..i dont care what you say with your lil fuckin "no one will evern love you the way i did" bull crap cuz ur WRONG jimmy ...there IS someone out there..i know there is..and one day i will meet someone who i will KNOW is the right person..and when that happens i wont leave them for you jimmy...and i wont ever come back jimmy....you will have lost me forever..now why dont u fuckin think of that..while u play with your plans in your head about how i "ruined" something i didnt even know existed............and realize..there is going to be a point in your life..and i will be gone...i wont be here for you ...i wont be cryin for you anymore..and i wont miss every moment..hate to say it but the time is gettin close...and i can already tell im able to just numb so many of our emotions out...soon you will be just another ex to me...another memorie..someone i will always love..but never be in love with again...cuz i cant sit here and hang on to someting that aint there...
sorry if i offended/got u pissed off and ill be lookin forward to your next all caps LOCKED MUTHAKFUCKINGBITCH CUNT SLUT. posting shortly..cuz im sure thats bout all im going to get out of this whole letter..you dont let shit sink in jimmy...quit looking at just one dot on the picture..there is an entire scene to see.....for me jimmy read this..and dont be shallow bout it...realize what im tryin to say NOT tryin to be a bitch tryin to be mature about this..just raelly let it sink in...if not for me then for yourself..
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[22 Jul 2005|09:03pm]
What Icons are for you?(Thank you for #1!! Please check out my other Memes!!) by ladyallie
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[17 May 2005|01:53am]
Green Hair rawks Muh sawkz
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la la la merry 420 lala [20 Apr 2005|10:49pm]
[ mood | stoned as fuck..merry 420 ]

so today was officlally the quietest 420's ive ever had since smokin .....rather diffrent i must say..but relaxin all in the same....woke up..burned 2 joints.......listened to some floyde and crused robstown.....a fucking cop followed my ass a far way..i didnt see him ..was going 25 mph blazin pink floyde swirvy like..so the fucker followed me all the way to jimmys house..suked ass..after thak gawdfuly not getting caught..went back to muh house..were me and him blazed a j and some bongage.....

meh and my mom went to go get pizzas..since it was some 2.99 med. pizza for da stoners shit ....it was intreuging...cuz the place was lke full wit a line..fucking STONERS!!....oh well..got da pizza..came home for grubbage....

went to nana's...drank a beer.....came home..watched reefer maddness* not the musical..but the actual anti-marijane thingy black & white put out in teh 40's..its bitchen.......family guyage...then blamidy blam...jimmy passed da fuck out....

muh 2 hitaa hooka killz hiz sorry azz everytime.......
so blah.....didnt go partay or any shit...but fuck it...i can save dat fer da weekend or wutever......im out..im fucking blazed as shit......val...bingo 2morrow?? lol...hit meh back..
~ashely~

"come on jimmy come on jimmy..suck one down for sally"-reefer maddness stoopid musical that is lame as fuck ..but has hot fucking chicks wearning thongs made outta weed so its all gravy ;)

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[19 Apr 2005|11:39pm]
[ mood | high ]

When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I can't explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb


so i now know what peole who suposidly get obducted by ufos are really all about....people getting fuucckked up on acid and listneing to pink floyed....welcom to the machine..LMAO..neways yeah....so hapy merry 420 all....im blazed outa muh mind...and fixin to get sum grubbage ..woot....sour cream...Heh..newho....a lil to fuzsy to want to type anymore...im out..
~ashley~

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my post for the begining of 4:20......lyrics deditacted to me..by me..trust me............. [19 Apr 2005|08:58pm]
Sober


There's a shadow just behind me,
shrouding every breath I take,
making every promise empty,
pointing every finger at me.
Waiting like a stalking butler
who upon the finger rests.
Murder now the path called "must we"
just before the son has come.
Jesus, won't you fucking whistle
something but the past and done?
Why can't we not be sober?
I just want to start this over.
Why can't we drink forever.
I just want to start things over.
I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,
I will work to elevate you
just enough to bring you down.
Trust me.
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more behind the eyes.... [19 Apr 2005|08:21pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

of a fallen angle...eyes of a tragedy..

so disapointed....hate thinkin someone is the one..and getting shot down by shitty desecions this person makes...makes me rethink so much about us every time he does things like this.....

just want to drink and not think about him..i hate thinkin so strongly i found the one..and realize its not true...

*you dont see me at all*(

6 comments|post comment

wooot woooot!! [19 Apr 2005|01:23pm]
[ mood | happy ]

ok....last night YET AGAIN was a total fucking blurr and i vow im going to quit drinking ......for 2night at least lol.......

think i finally found a job..its in the bluff but no piss test and they dont giva fuck bout piercings........so im like shwing ..im there...got my 2nd interview on monday....and if all goes well..wich im sure it will since i can type...i got da job starting tuesday morning*ouch* but oh well...its like 160 bux STARTING OFF a week....so by the end of next week..im guna be buyin a bigggg assss bag of weed niggas!! wooooott!!!!!!!!....

dick is being a....well..dick right now.....silly fagget j/k......i think he is still pissed cuz of the shit i told him.....didnt know dude.......as in the words of tool.com....DONT KILLL THE MESENGER NIGGAS!!!!!!!!!!!.....

newhoz....lookin forward to 2morrow being all that is 420..dUN DUN DUN....smoke hella blunts blunts blunts..smokeing weed...smokeing weed....ALLLRIIGGHHHTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!........

CaNt waite!...
newho im so out.....
gozta go get half baked from chuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*getting HIGH and watchin dat shit 2night* *FIENs!!....

~ashley~

"and i feel this coming over...i feel strong again.." MJK

1 comment|post comment

compleate stoned blurr yo.... [18 Apr 2005|03:01pm]
[ mood | confused ]

wow..last night was a fucking trip..since lack of weed for the past forever and a day days over here....my high was amplifyed to like 1000000 last night......

finaly got herbs on saterday night...and hadnt gotten to smoke any of them at home till last night....i misseded muh bong...so i went ..made the ultamite pink floyed trip c.d......and loaded up the shit.....and off to the car were me and jimmy.......
we smoged that bitch up so awsome...and i trippped my ballsax out....just sitting there for a swear 30 minuts trippin to pink floyde..all i needed was learning to fly and it would of been the best c.d. ever made...*le sigh*...

after that....we chilled inside with my mom*wtf?!?*...we wre FUCKED up ...so it was amuzing to a point....

dont quiet remember too much from it all...just konw i woke up at like 3 pm today..confused as fuck ..i touhgt it was lke 9 in the morning..uhg...all i know is cant waite to do it al again 2night.....

im fixin to go get jimmy's bitch ass whenever he learsn to answer is FUCKING phone....uhg..!!!!.........4:20 in 2 days..no plans...REEFER MADNESS is on and i missed it saterday night...so if i decide to play hella loser me and jimmy are guna just smoke out all day..watch stoner movies *half baked/the wall....and whatever else chuck wiill let me steal from him 2morrow* evil laugh*....val if ya wanna chill hit meh back mkay chicka......im sure u could maybe crash here wends night since i have skewl thurs....

neways.im out.....guna go trip out to how awsome the egg sounds with prodigy....finaly found sumthin that makes 100 bux in speakser sound like 500 bux..woot.....

~ashley~

"phyco sematic.insane.."

2 comments|post comment

tierd..and outta it as fukc... [17 Apr 2005|05:18am]
[ mood | stoned rejecteded ]

so..finaly got sum herbs today...woot .....and got really fucked up....got home aight so its all gravy....

just got here maybe 10 minuts ago....no cops...go me......*5 am yoz*

newho...im outof it...and itis totaly crashtime.....blahz....guna go chill with jimmy 2morrow and get his punk ass drunk.......

and btw out of all randomness...we got a bird..and i think my mom named it homie......

weird lil grey lookin mo fo..cute....kinda....keps on hissing at me or something..its skary lol........
newho...im out.....krazy night....dro is ur fien...

~ashely~

***editedededed****

fergot to tell ya val...U MISSED IT... a STONED ASIAN...and ...dude..when they get really fucked up...there eyes are like all da way closed man....YAY....dream come true...a stoned/drunk asian...wearing a BRUCE LEE shirt...it was great.....good tymes yo...call meh and if anyone has 4:20 planz...lemme knowz...wanna do sumtin wit jimmy and hopefully sum friends..anyone got ideas...comment pleaze homiez....

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[16 Apr 2005|11:21am]
01. Who are you?:
02. Are we friends?:
03. Why are you my friend?
04. When and how did we meet?:
05. How have I affected you in any way?:
06. What do you think of me sexually?:
07. What's the fondest memory you have of me?:
08. How long do you think we will be friends?:
09. Do you love me?:
10. Do you have a crush on me?:
11. Would you kiss me?:
12. Would you hug me?:
13. Physically, what stands out?:
14. Emotionally, what stands out?:
15. Do you wish I was cooler?:
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it:
17. Am I loveable?:
18. How long have you known me?:
19. Describe me in one word:
20. What was your first impression?:
21. Do you still think that way about me now?:
22. What do you think my weakness is?:
23. Do you think I'll get married?:
24. What makes me happy?:
25. What makes me sad?:
26. What reminds you of me?:
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?:
28. How well do you know me?:
29. When's the last time you saw me?:
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?:
31. Do you think I could kill someone?:
32. Are you going to put this on your Livejournal and see what I say about you?
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uh..nice....i guess..*twitch* [15 Apr 2005|01:27pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

You scored as Suicide. Your death will be suicide. What more can I say? Fact: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

</td>

Suicide

100%

Eaten

87%

Accident

87%

Disappear

67%

Drowning

47%

Posion

47%

Stabbed

40%

Suffocated

33%

Bomb

27%

Gunshot

13%

Natural Causes

7%

Disease

0%

Cut Throat

0%

How Will You Die??
created with QuizFarm.com
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[15 Apr 2005|08:50am]
[ mood | hung over..... ]

stoopid internet hadda fuck up in da middle of muh lj entry*kicks aol in the face*.....

so...last night...sum up in 2 words....rum & mag 40*drinkin rum..and coca cola* nana kept on singing that while me drinkin it...it was awsome..i luv muh nana.....:).....
so yeah mag & rum dont mix well..and for that fact im still fucking puking..UHG....*bbeer before liqour..get sick quicker* tisk tisk tisk on myself for not thinkin bout that lil sayin before kickin back a mag 40 then like 3 -4 pinacolatas & rum & cokes..uhg....*luvz muh bacardie..& humps the bottle*......

newhoziz.....

2night will be....blah..lol....just guna chill here with jimmy since i havent seen him in like 3 days...guna get drunk / hopefully stoned*if andrew cums through*......

was going to go to vals party...but my only ride is jimmy's ex gf? thanks val....but i dont feel like getting into a knock out/drag out fight with cindy...and being stranded at the beach..with her tryin to talk/hit on/ look at jimmy.....i hate that fucking whore.....so.....i think ide rather chill at home...cuz nothing is worth having to spend even 5 seconds around that whore....

newhoziez....getting my egg back around 4...would got it yeserday..but stoopid firestoned orderd the wrong part...daym douchbags...but as long as my baby is fixed i dont care lol...
newhoziez...

im out.....jimmy is offline *tear*.....and im guna crash until he gest home...*le sigh*.....

~ashley~

"i do not recognize the vessel..but the eyes look so familiar"

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fuckin fire stoned peeps [14 Apr 2005|12:29pm]
[ mood | happy ]

ouchies 249 bucks for the egg to get back into eggmobile pimp status...jesus fucknut christ that hurts....uhgiez...
not guna be driving my car around at all anymore....as my parents say....see who your real friends are when you cant bring them places..............

guna go to bluffage on monday for that shitty telamaketing place there..BLAH..fuckin sucks balls....long way to drive...but.....no druggie testiez...and piercings aloud..*as far as i have heard* swwiiinnggg..found my pimp place of werkness...
newho...

no plans tonight...fuckin blows ballsax...wanted to go chll with muh homie pimp style jimmy...but...blahzniez....gotta stay home and watch the bible thumpin show wit her*revleations in drunkin ashy form*....and drink cheep gilbys vodka....wooot wooot to brown nosing like a bitch.....

i have like 10 bucks..think ill bring muh mommmy out to eat to suck up for her payin for meh car repair....i can deal with 10 bux less weed....at lesat i have weeels still..and am not depending on uthaz.......cuz always havin to ask sumone fer a ride fukcin blows.....

uhgies....2morrow i think im going to vals bday though not quiet sure..dont know if i have a ride..and dont know if jimmy has a ride either.......if not...blah...get stoned/drunk at home.....safer that way lol....wish the eggmobile could be beach bound....but that bitch is too expensive to fix..fucking JAPANESE CARS>....

newho....im bored....and out.........tyme to smoke mexican swaggidy swag shizt

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[14 Apr 2005|09:29am]
*dimmu borgir egg theme** dun..dun dun..duunn dun dun dun......

egg is being cracked oupen as we speak so the fuckers and fire stoned can figure out wtf went wrong wit muh baby.....
hope theres no weed in muh car...i know them sun uv biatches will steal muh shit man...and I NEED DAT SHIT......

so one day without a car copleatly broke me..so monday the hunt begings for a job...a desperate search now....cuz i cant reliy on muh pata mobile....cuz im lazy LOL....

newhoziez....got buffalow wings at nanas *nana = love :)*...
im out..
~~ashely~~
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